I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
