You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
