I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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