I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
