I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize