i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
