I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she smelled like a LAN party
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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