Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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