those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's blow job season.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
