i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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