I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
