I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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