My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
