Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
did i just pee glitter
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
