I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
