mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
