she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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