so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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