accomplished twins. life is a go
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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