My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
