Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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