He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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