Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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