please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
