I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize