Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
