imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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