Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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