I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
