she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
