Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
