i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
