Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize