If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
