since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
