I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
