my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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