You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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