Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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