There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
