i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
