The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize