God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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