I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize