I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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