guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
