Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
