I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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