my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
