Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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