Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
