I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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