I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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