I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize