How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
