I faked an abortion last night.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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