i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
