so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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