I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
